They always come in threes

I seem to keep coming to this dead end, I suppose we all do occasionally, part of the learning process. I was pumped and ready to change, ready to turn over a new leaf. It seems I take two steps backward with every step forward with my will to change.

I haven't spoke to my best friend this entire weekend. We used to be inseparable. The one person I should be able to talk to right now isn't talking to me and I'm not talking to her. I don't know if its my pride that started this fight or if I'm simply just over thinking the whole situation. I just want honesty and respect.

Well it seems I lost another person I've cared for this weekend. I decided that it would spare my girlfriend a lot of pain if I ended things now rather than dragging a long distance relationship on that in reality will probably never work if we live 636 miles apart. I don't have a desire to move back to Arizona, and for all I know I could be in Boston or Miami in a year from today. The LAST thing I want anyone to do is pick up everything and leave their family and friends for me. It makes me feel guilty. I love this person and find her absolutely beautiful and perfect for me, but I can't help but feel bad to have her pay hundreds of dollars to see me maybe once or twice a month. I know I hurt her and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me either now.

To cap off the weekend ten minutes after feeling horrible for hurting someone I care about and love that now loathes me, I was informed that my uncles body was found, and that he committed suicide. I couldn't help but think of the pain my cousin and his family must be going through.

I talked to my sister tonight, after miscarrying her first child and burying her second, I should be the one supporting her not the one asking for help. She's one of the strongest people I know though, as I told her about everything and the spiritual trouble I've got myself into she responded with love telling me about how through the atonement she can repent and get her life in order for any mistake she makes and strives every day to be better so she can be reunited with her son, and reminded me how much I've overcame and can overcome and told me how much she loved me and was there for me.

I found a quote from President Packer that helped me understand trials a little better,

"Our lives are made up of thousands of everyday choices. Over the years these little choices will be bundled together and show clearly what we value.

The crucial test of life, I repeat, does not center in the choice between fame and obscurity, nor between wealth and poverty. The greatest decision of life is between good and evil.

We may foolishly bring unhappiness and trouble, even suffering upon ourselves. These are not always to be regarded as penalties imposed by a displeased Creator. They are part of the lessons of life, part of the test.

Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely. Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others by the erosions of age.

Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.

All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect.

It is possible to be both rich and famous and at the same time succeed spiritually. But the Lord warned of the difficulty of it when He talked of camels and needles.

I dunno if I'll be able to keep my determination this time around, I hope I can, but I don't need any more reminders of what matters most. I have an appointment Thursday.. I'm sick of false happiness, and an empty feeling inside. Its time to finally mature and be who I'm meant to be so I can have everything God has promised me. This isn't just lip service, I NEED the spirit in my life again. Wish me luck, and I'm truly sorry for who I have hurt, I will try to be kinder and patient and become more Christlike. Well time to go to bed, I love you.

terrible weekend/optimistic about the future

I have TWO choices I've decided. I can choose to abandon my resolve and drift back into casual complacency, or I can choose to take this as an opportunity to obey and trust the promises that have been made to me. I'm choosing to trust, its the path with more resistance I know, but its my last resort.

shine on you crazy DIAMOND.

I read my last post today and it brought me back to an experience I had in my apartment in West Saint Paul. This particular day was the most spiritually numbing day I had experienced on my mission, and I remember sitting at my desk reading my patriarchal blessing out loud and having a phrase in it stick out to me. Despite the unyielding desire to abandon hope and drift into despair and apostasy fed by my feelings of unworthiness; I read "after you have completed your mission in your youth.." and it hit me that I was supposed to be there. I forced myself to believe the words of my patriarch, and believe that I was meant to be out there. I find it incredible looking back now that I completed my mission. Thinking about it today made me think about all the other promises that follow that statement, about how I meet my wife, my family, my career, and my service in the church.

I started thinking about my family, and the great men and women I have in it. I have three adorable sisters and an amazing brother. My mom has my sense of humor and I admire her strength and am constantly in awe of her conversion and example to her family. My father has such a sweet heart and has always put my siblings and myself first in his priorities. In my room I have an old fireman's helmet that sits on my desk. Its from the 1950's completely made of leather and was worn by my grandpa Sharpy. I am in complete awe that as a young Italian immigrant he served this country and went on to raise and support 11 children. I googled my grandpa Addington today, it was funny actually I read an article about when he was a lawyer for the state how he was prosecuting a man for smoking peyote. This man survived polio, pulled himself out of bankruptcy and put himself through law school while raising 5 children and went on to be a judge.

Its a lot of family history but I can't help but be full of gratitude and respect for the examples I have in my life. I wonder if I will measure up to them, and I hope I can qualify for the blessings that I have been promised by my Father in Heaven. I need to be kinder, and more considerate. I haven't been the best friend to some people I care about most and I hope they can forgive me. Since I posted my last blog, I have made an honest effort to do the simple things God has asked me to do, and while I have slipped a few times, I can honestly say He is answering my prayers and things are coming together for me. "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." D&C 82:10

I love my family, I hope they know that. I love how through this stupid blog that I have made fun of so many people for, I am able to get these thoughts out of my head, and see progress I am making. Goodnight.

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist."
— C.S. Lewis

My little sister sent this to me while I was on my mission. Ironically while I was on my mission I never felt worthy to be there, in fact I was convinced I was going to hell. There's quite a few more details, but they are much to personal to share. Since I've been home it seems like I've lost the closeness I had with my Father in Heaven. Through choices I have made I have distanced myself from him, partly because in my head I felt like I wouldn't be tormented so much since I would be "lying down" against the wind. Over the last few months I finally have found what I want in my life, and I discovered I am no where ready for it. While others could complain and blame circumstances or other scape goats for the lack of excitement, happiness, spirituality, ect. in their lives, I have come to the conclusion that if I want something else I need to focus on becoming something else. I have been petrified of trying because the fear of the pain I felt coming back. But Paul taught, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.. but be thou a partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God." 2Timothy1:7-8

I found hope today as I went to church and from tonight. I have not given up on you just yet Mesa.

"You are retarded." Probably not the nicest thing for me to say to a guest at my house but this girl honestly made me want to beat her with my cane that I stole from work. (My clients are from the cast of "Golden Girls") I do not understand why girls can be so slutty and asinine and think it is cute or that guys are attracted to it. I think I enjoyed the awkward silence more than anything tonight and the instantaneous texting among her and her friend of "did he really just say that?" that resulted from my comment. That and my friend Chris laughing hysterically as I continued to just watch the movie.

Typically I am a lot kinder of a person. I have more compassion and sympathy than I should, but I believe what set me off is a talk I had with my friend the other night. I love my friends but we are extremely close and flirt constantly. It is meaningless and the most frustrating thing about it is that no matter how special any of them could be nothing will happen because neither one will take the other one seriously. So these two girls coming to my house and just flirting constantly annoyed me until I could not contain my inhibitions any longer. I am not proud that I did what I did, but in a way this broad deserved it. Please don't leave a comment if this makes any of you feel butt hurt.

Well I think I'm going to start writing in this more often. But I'm tired and I want to read before I go to bed. Goodnight darling.

We used to call this XANGA.

so today on the drive home from work my dad tells me that we need to go pick up a jock strap for my brother craig. so first we go to mervans but they didnt have any, annoyed we then headed to target who sieze the day didnt have any, angry as a parapaleeeeegic etheopian watching a giant glazed donut roll down a hill i proceeded to go to sports authority, well finally my dad finds one but half way home he realizes he got the wrong type, so we swing back around and finally we have what we were looking for infamous athletic supporter to support my brothers wienray. well irritated about this long journy of nothingness im driving home all pissed off when i see this mischievous look in my dad's eye while hes laughing uncontrollably, he then looks me straight in the face and says under muffled laughter.. "dare me to put this on my head??" i tell him "you better not, you had better not" he crackles a bolt of laughter and puts the jock strap over his face and starts laughing hysterically, meanwhile i have everyone on Broadway Road pointing at me with my dad in the passenger seat wearing undawear on his head. i was thankful to make it home without murdering him..

I miss this.. not necessarily my dad wearing my brothers jock strap on his head in traffic, but being able to record my memories and thoughts. I feel like a forty year old woman using this, but no one uses XANGA. Thats right Blogspot, this ain' my first rodeo. Anyways I need to go to church, but I'll talk to you later.