I seem to keep coming to this dead end, I suppose we all do occasionally, part of the learning process. I was pumped and ready to change, ready to turn over a new leaf. It seems I take two steps backward with every step forward with my will to change.
I haven't spoke to my best friend this entire weekend. We used to be inseparable. The one person I should be able to talk to right now isn't talking to me and I'm not talking to her. I don't know if its my pride that started this fight or if I'm simply just over thinking the whole situation. I just want honesty and respect.
Well it seems I lost another person I've cared for this weekend. I decided that it would spare my girlfriend a lot of pain if I ended things now rather than dragging a long distance relationship on that in reality will probably never work if we live 636 miles apart. I don't have a desire to move back to Arizona, and for all I know I could be in Boston or Miami in a year from today. The LAST thing I want anyone to do is pick up everything and leave their family and friends for me. It makes me feel guilty. I love this person and find her absolutely beautiful and perfect for me, but I can't help but feel bad to have her pay hundreds of dollars to see me maybe once or twice a month. I know I hurt her and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me either now.
To cap off the weekend ten minutes after feeling horrible for hurting someone I care about and love that now loathes me, I was informed that my uncles body was found, and that he committed suicide. I couldn't help but think of the pain my cousin and his family must be going through.
I talked to my sister tonight, after miscarrying her first child and burying her second, I should be the one supporting her not the one asking for help. She's one of the strongest people I know though, as I told her about everything and the spiritual trouble I've got myself into she responded with love telling me about how through the atonement she can repent and get her life in order for any mistake she makes and strives every day to be better so she can be reunited with her son, and reminded me how much I've overcame and can overcome and told me how much she loved me and was there for me.
I found a quote from President Packer that helped me understand trials a little better,
"Our lives are made up of thousands of everyday choices. Over the years these little choices will be bundled together and show clearly what we value.
The crucial test of life, I repeat, does not center in the choice between fame and obscurity, nor between wealth and poverty. The greatest decision of life is between good and evil.
We may foolishly bring unhappiness and trouble, even suffering upon ourselves. These are not always to be regarded as penalties imposed by a displeased Creator. They are part of the lessons of life, part of the test.
Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely. Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others by the erosions of age.
Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.
All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect.
It is possible to be both rich and famous and at the same time succeed spiritually. But the Lord warned of the difficulty of it when He talked of camels and needles.
I dunno if I'll be able to keep my determination this time around, I hope I can, but I don't need any more reminders of what matters most. I have an appointment Thursday.. I'm sick of false happiness, and an empty feeling inside. Its time to finally mature and be who I'm meant to be so I can have everything God has promised me. This isn't just lip service, I NEED the spirit in my life again. Wish me luck, and I'm truly sorry for who I have hurt, I will try to be kinder and patient and become more Christlike. Well time to go to bed, I love you.
terrible weekend/optimistic about the future
