"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist."
— C.S. Lewis

My little sister sent this to me while I was on my mission. Ironically while I was on my mission I never felt worthy to be there, in fact I was convinced I was going to hell. There's quite a few more details, but they are much to personal to share. Since I've been home it seems like I've lost the closeness I had with my Father in Heaven. Through choices I have made I have distanced myself from him, partly because in my head I felt like I wouldn't be tormented so much since I would be "lying down" against the wind. Over the last few months I finally have found what I want in my life, and I discovered I am no where ready for it. While others could complain and blame circumstances or other scape goats for the lack of excitement, happiness, spirituality, ect. in their lives, I have come to the conclusion that if I want something else I need to focus on becoming something else. I have been petrified of trying because the fear of the pain I felt coming back. But Paul taught, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.. but be thou a partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God." 2Timothy1:7-8

I found hope today as I went to church and from tonight. I have not given up on you just yet Mesa.

"You are retarded." Probably not the nicest thing for me to say to a guest at my house but this girl honestly made me want to beat her with my cane that I stole from work. (My clients are from the cast of "Golden Girls") I do not understand why girls can be so slutty and asinine and think it is cute or that guys are attracted to it. I think I enjoyed the awkward silence more than anything tonight and the instantaneous texting among her and her friend of "did he really just say that?" that resulted from my comment. That and my friend Chris laughing hysterically as I continued to just watch the movie.

Typically I am a lot kinder of a person. I have more compassion and sympathy than I should, but I believe what set me off is a talk I had with my friend the other night. I love my friends but we are extremely close and flirt constantly. It is meaningless and the most frustrating thing about it is that no matter how special any of them could be nothing will happen because neither one will take the other one seriously. So these two girls coming to my house and just flirting constantly annoyed me until I could not contain my inhibitions any longer. I am not proud that I did what I did, but in a way this broad deserved it. Please don't leave a comment if this makes any of you feel butt hurt.

Well I think I'm going to start writing in this more often. But I'm tired and I want to read before I go to bed. Goodnight darling.